Photo © D. Paul Graham, “Self Portrait Kodachrome”, circa 1984

“Monday 5 Things”™ ….. You Are Not …..

I admit to having idiosyncrasies. Many of them. I’ve always thought that if I admit them, they can’t be used against me.  But perhaps I digress. Slightly. While driving along 95 last week, I was feeling somewhat nostalgic, and searched for music from the decade of decadence, the 80’s. I settled on two songs in particular, playing them over and over and over again (insert admission of idiosyncrasy here). ‘Black Cars’ by that big haired rocker (now phenomenal jazz musician) Gino Vanelli took me through to the Georgia/Florida border. The song seemed appropriate as I headed to the ‘World Center of Racing’. For a good hour I sang at the top of my lungs, my steering wheel used like the Tama drums I played at the time. Tom Cochrane’s ‘The Boy Inside the Man’ took me from the border to Daytona. This song has a lot of meaning for me and not what I suppose Cochrane had in mind when he wrote the song. For me, it is a personal anthem of letting go of the hurts experienced as a boy. Letting go of that boy and becoming the man God meant me to be. Whew. All that said, the song got me thinking about who I am. And perhaps more importantly, who I am not. This morning’s M5T takes ‘things’ from 5 years ago and once again considers things that we are not, even though we may often have allowed ourselves and others to try and convince us to the contrary.

1. You are not mediocre.

You can choose to move outside of your comfort zone. That change doesn’t necessarily mean a physical change. The best way to start moving the needle off of mediocrity can simply be a change of mindset, a change of perspective. Move beyond a mindset that is alright, fine, good and so-so to a mindset that focuses on the awesome, the beautiful and the extraordinary blessings in your life. Figure out what gets you out of bed in the morning beyond a cup of coffee. What excites you, what motivates you, what can’t you wait to do? Then start doing those things more regularly in your life.

2. You are not alone.

Often times we can feel alone, even when we surround ourselves with other people. How often do we think no one will understand what we are going through, what we are missing, what we need? How often do we look to temporary releases of eating, social media, spending money or binge watching NetFlix that still leave us feeling empty? Take time to look at who you really are, focus on your strengths, accept your weaknesses, look at what gives you meaning in life. When you have time alone, learn to be comfortable with yourself. Re-ignite the passion of a hobby you’ve neglected. Get off whatever your proverbial couch is and go somewhere you wouldn’t normally go, do something you’ve never done before…try a different restaurant, drive down a new road. Learn something new… a language, cooking, creating art on a canvas or with a camera… try anything that doesn’t involve a TV, a keyboard, a game controller, or a smartphone.

3. You are not powerless.

Figure out your points of pain in your life and move to make changes. You can express your deepest needs and you should fight for what you believe these needs are. You have a right to ask for something without shame. Deep seated feelings don’t change overnight, but you can gradually and consistently take control of what is important to you. You are stronger and more independent than you realize.

4. You are not infallible.

We all make mistakes and, I think that by and large, we all hate making mistakes. Whether those mistakes have offended others we care about, mistakes at work, mistakes through inattentiveness, communicating a wrong message or mistakes from outright failure in something we’ve tried to do…we all have that as part of our lives. The question is what do we do about them? I’ve needed to deal with perfectionism, communication about my emotions and needs with clarity and being open about my fallibility. Perhaps the toughest part is learning to forgive ourselves for mistakes made.

5. You are not your past.

Nor are you a bad person. This can be a tough one. For years it was the toughest for me. We all embrace past memories of joy, yet the painful emotional and or physical memories of the past can bind us and haunt us for years. Stunting us. Shutting us down from others and shutting out who we really are. Whether that past involves physical abuse, chemical or alcohol enablement or dependency, or a myriad of other hurts we have experienced and continue to carry and re-live in our minds, the past never seems to leave. We need to acknowledge and truly believe that we are survivors and that our strength today in some ways comes from the pain we have experienced in the past. We need to stop having a victim mentality and blaming others. If this is a part of your life, talk with someone you trust, whether that’s a solid friend or a professional counselor. Make a conscious decision to allow that wounded inner boy or girl, the current man or woman to express the reality of the pain. Find ways to reduce and stop re-living the narrative of the hurt that runs through our mind. Stop shutting down emotionally with others and start living a new life that is based in the present not the past. And perhaps the hardest of all is to find a way to forgive… those that have hurt you and even more importantly is to find a way to drop your shame and forgive yourself to move forward. It’s a work in progress for me.

Here’s to a week of realizing who you are not and acknowledging, embracing, and celebrating who you really are.

© 2024 D. Paul Graham, all rights reserved.

M5T is now on South Magazine Digital ..… Read it here ….. https://www.southmag.com/category/health-and-wellness/

For over 12 years, D. Paul Graham has published “Monday 5 Things” ™, also known to readers as M5T.

You can reach Paul by email at dpg@imagegraham.com